I realised I haven’t been posting for five months already, and some of you guys might be wondering what is going on. No the blog isn’t dying. I’m just having a circuit BREAKer haha…
But jokes aside, things’ve been pretty rough since the start of circuit breaker. Army has been rather overwhelming, although most of the time I try to not let it invade into my civilian life. But sometimes it’s just inevitable. I don’t know why but NS always just leave me too tired and lazy to do much during the short weekend book-outs. It’s tough dedicating time for commitments outside of army. Haha that’s why the blog died for awhile.
So I thought I’ll dedicate a post to speak my mind out about my thoughts on NS. Oh right, just a disclaimer – there’s vulgarities. So only proceed if you’re comfortable with that…
My love-hate relationship with NS
I thought NS was my kind of thing before my enlistment. I could meet new people, build my fitness and grow up to be a “man”. Hence in BMT I had the mindset, similar to couple of others, that I’ll make the best out of my 2 years in army. I believed the army would be a great place to discipline myself, become a better leader and overall a better person. After I passed out, I made it to Specialist Cadet School (SCS), a training school to become a sergeant. I wouldn’t deny I felt proud at that moment. I must have some sort of presence in this large mighty organisation called SAF.
Or so I thought…
The more and more I’d gone through NS, my hatred for the army grew stronger and stronger. It has been close to 8 months since my enlistment and now I feel leashed, like SAF’s dog. National Service starts to feel more like National Slavery. I dread every book-in. I dislike the regimentation. And I don’t look forward to being caged in camp, rushing and rotting, coupled with all the incessant shouting and scolding. If I treat NS as a normal full-time job, it’s something I’ll resign after I hit the minimum working conditions. The work culture is too degrading – a lack of dignity and freedom as an NSF aka sai kang warrior.
Also, it’s hard to appreciate the management in SAF. I find it hard to look up to some of my superiors when they continually push us around and make our lives worse than it already is. I’m not sure if it’s WOSPEC culture in SCS, but I find some of them behave too much like gangsters to regard as proper mentors. I don’t really respect them as role models. And I don’t feel any sort of the teacher-student respect I get when I was in school. As a cadet, I’m just treated like a piece of shit.
But come on, in any workplace, show some mutual respect regardless of your background. It’s basic work ethics. Rather than being privileged snobs (not all but some) who play rank and abuse authority, at least try to give guidance and set an example to the cadets? I know many regulars sign on for an easy stable life – just lepak one corner and still have their iron rice bowl while their lackeys do their work, in the name of delegation and regimentation. I’ve seen a couple lazing around with their eyes constantly glued to their phones, being late for timings, giving no shit at all. When the time comes, just find trouble tekan the cadets to show they’re doing their “job”. After all, SAF is their career. I rarely sense any sort of enthusiasm from anybody – just a bunch of people dreading their work but sucking it up because they have no other better choice. Personally, I find it embarrassing that this is the kind of shit standard that is tolerated as a commander or trainer. As a commander-to-be, it disgusts me to aspire similar standards and to be similarly hated by my men.
The efficiency of the system is triggering too. For instance, what suppose to be a proud moment for us specialist cadets to graduate from SCS becomes a hateful experience. We wasted a substantial amount of time dressing-up dressing-down, re-taking pictures and videos over and over again just to meet unclear requirements (e.g. dimensions, resolution and actions) set by indecisive higher-ups. I’m sure if the details could be agreed upon and clearer instructions were given , there wouldn’t be a need for all these confusion and unnecessary trouble. Not just that, there were couple of times we were just waiting for hours to book-out. Of course, these were few instances amongst many others.
And no, better not fault any of the superiors or the system. The blame always get pushed down the chain of command to the lowest of the lowest scum. I’ve experienced some of my platoon mates getting wrongfully punished for following proper procedures. No matter how much they fight back to show how right they were, some higher-ups will always put themselves on the higher ground. They will give some illogical reasoning e.g. malingering, end of with some moral lesson or just shun their part in the conflict… Then punishment is meted out as usual (maybe coupled with threats of being charged but really just to scare you). This could explain why army has such a strong culture of subservience – don’t make noise then no trouble. Just accept you’re wrong and suck thumb.
If you ask me, I don’t enjoy leadership in SAF at all. Close to three months ago, I was given a leadership appointment as platoon sergeant with almost 40 men under my control. All I can think of is how disastrous everything went right from the start. Being a introverted person as well, every day during my appointment was tiring as hell with little to no breaks in between…. I was unable to control the platoon and then scolded as spineless, hesitant and indecisive. It was really emotionally damning being criticised from various commanders. I did take it personally for a while. It made me contemplate whether I was cut out to be a sergeant and whether I should have signed up for command school in the first place. I even thought why I as an NSF bothered trying so hard. I don’t find all the wayang, extra shouting, rushing and sai kang worth it at all.
Because we love sai kang and more sai kang ya
Come to think of it, the culture for learning is just demoralising. Although I had little experience, I was already being thrown with huge expectations. Maybe that’s just army’s pedagogy: they break you down then build you up stronger. I did learn a lot to be a better leader and how to manage my men. However, I wouldn’t readily accept another of this appointment. I don’t find it rewarding enough. The more you do your job, the more shit will be thrown at you to clean up. You’ll just be a slave to your commanders and a nuisance to your people to get shit cleared. Plus, you rarely get affirmed for the things you do right but 1000 f*cks for 1 f*ck up.
Really, good work isn’t valued enough. As a result, many NSFs adopt a “siam” and ‘keng’ mentality towards more responsibilities because doing fewer things means lesser chance of getting into trouble. Worse still, the culture appears to promulgate this “bochap” attitude. The chao keng siam king ends up having a better life those who try. At least in my experience, most people who performed poorly and reported sick got posted into more lax units, or better still, admin and HQ. Then those who had put in effort, cooperated and tank-ed extra load for the sick personnels? They chiong sua eat more shit. The fact that you get almost the same benefits as your peers while you have it easy is attractive towards many NSFs; they don’t give a damn and just want to serve and f*ck off, or SAF. So it’s disheartening that the more you try, the more you lose and the more you keng, the more you win. As someone who has put in effort, I feel this just persuades people to stop trying so hard for the army.
Moreover, you don’t get to choose in NS. I thought I had some control over my posting filling up interest forms. The fact of the matter is manpower needs take precedence. I can’t say how much influence (if at all) indicating your preference makes. There is no follow-up interview or anything for those really into a vocation. The whole preference system gives an illusion of choice and I feel deceived. People are seemingly being assigned randomly to vocations that don’t suit or interest them. Then they do badly, lose motivation and stop caring. At the end of the day, it’s still luck of the draw. What many choices did my batch even had when we were enlisted under a mono-infantry intake? Most had thoughts of leaving the battalion right from the start. NS already forces you to do this do that, but now you are also forced to be in a place you dislike and do things you hate. What a double whammy… I think it really kills the interest NSFs have for the army when our choices aren’t apparently considered. I just get the impression that as an NSF, you’re not valued at all. NSFs are just dispensable two-year forced labour to plug in any kind of manpower gap. Ultimately, we’re just subjects to many regular superiors who works in SAF for a living and also by law to the government.
Furthermore, NS is meant to train soldiers to be combat ready for crisis. But with an unmotivated heart full of hatred for the army, how many would pledge loyalty and sacrifice for the country during war? The military culture has ironically made plenty NSFs hateful towards the country because of mandatory national service when it should have instilled patriotism in them. Also, do we even stand a chance in war? Or are we just sai kang warriors playing under the guise of a soldier? I’m sure some have the mentality – when time comes, just siam only. Such unpleasant culture deeply entrenched in SAF just makes me hard to pride myself as a soldier. In the same vein, I can’t bring myself to serve the nation to the best of my effort and ability.
The flip side
I’ve been blabbing on and on how I hate the army yada yada. Reading back, not to sound schizophrenic but I do partially disagree with myself on some parts… I always believe there is another perspective to seeing things. I did mention some superiors behave like gangsters and all. However, there are a few trainers I admire. They provided solid advice on surviving NS. They scold but with a proper reason. They give welfare but get things done well. They are friendly but firm at appropriate times.
Similarly, I respect people who are siao onz and can thrive in such a rotten system. They willingly take initiative. They readily accept their appointments and tasking. They handled all the shit given to them professionally. They could deal with the pressure in a leadership position and work things out. They made me feel I should stop whining like an incompetent kid and step up my game. You know these are the type who wants to make the best out of NS. And they do get recognised by being entrusted with more responsibilities. I’m sure these values translate well in the working world. Sadly, the culture in NS, at least in SAF, doesn’t seem to encourage much of these attributes.
While I look up to these fellows, I don’t share the same interests. To treat the two years of NS too seriously and let it be a huge part of everything is rather overwhelming for me. I doubt I’ll enjoy the added stress that comes with extra responsibilities beyond my job scope. So in some sense I hope to strike a middle ground between giving a shit and not giving a shit. As my job is to serve my nation and manage my men, I’ll do it well. Nothing more. I won’t work for anything that requires more effort than necessary. Just show enough effort to be competent enough to lead people. At least this gives me some head space to focus on things beyond NS – to plan and establish a clear direction for the next phase of life.
All right, I’m finished with my melodramatic ranting. Feels great to let off some steam and have this off my chest and out of mind.
In spite of all…
I still have no choice but to embrace this way of life for two years whether I like it or not. I’ll do my part and find ways to make it less unbearable. I know that if I am going to continue lament how much my life in NS sucks, it’s going to suck more and I’ll feel even worse.
Instead of expending energy hating NS, I have told myself to be professional and put emotions aside. I can complain all I want, but the fact doesn’t change – this is my job and it still needs to be done regardless how much shit I have to endure. Nobody owes me anything, and I have to take ownership how I can make these 2 years better for myself. I think it’s far worse to whine and do nothing, then cry how NS sucks when you get f*cked. In the end, your bunkmates have to experience the same shit, and every NSF has to get through these 2 years too. There’s no special treatment here, so don’t make it harder for others than it already is.
Yes, I know it’s difficult to change mindsets about NS, but I realised the sooner I accept NS for what it is, it gets better.
Solution? Be optimistic
So instead of seeing NS with a lot of hate, I find relief in re-examining NS in a more positive light. In contrast to all the bad crap I’ve put out thus far, there are some blessings that constantly make me look forward to booking in, which is so much better than bashing the keyboard at home.
There were funny moments from teasing the commanders and talking cock with my platoon mates in bunk. Also, there were numerous memorable moments from complaining and doing all sorts of nonsense together. I won’t forget how we joked around during high-key events and celebrated by playing games and having supper together. NS is way easier and more enjoyable with these people around. The relationships and memories I forged here are priceless.
I know many NSFs also say NS is in the way of their hopes and dreams. It has put their lives on hold; caused them to lag behind their peers; and made them single… But I convinced myself that whatever spare time I have in these 2 years could be wisely used to continue pursuing my interests and set the stage for a brighter future after ORD. That means seeing opportunity in the shithole I’m in right now, be it developing soft or hard skills that’ll help me out in the workforce. So just for two years, I strongly believe this dark cloud will pass and things will definitely get better.
To sum it all
I can rant all day all night talk shit about NS only to find out how futile it is at effecting change. There’s no end to my resentment until I’ve come to terms with my situation in NS.
I’ve come to understand it doesn’t matter how much you love or hate NS. It also doesn’t matter what you do in NS. But it matters how you used the time and changed as a person after NS.
I did not write this to convince people to hate NS or hate it even more (though I still largely hate it), but to influence people to be at peace with their stint in NS.
I believe the only thing within our control in NS is to make our lives less miserable. So let’s take it as a chance to reflect and prepare for the future.
What are your thoughts on NS? Worth it or waste of time? Leave a comment and we can discuss 🙂