I realised it’s been a fair bit of time since I started blogging, and I’m feeling nostalgic lately… So I thought I’ll take a sentimental trip down my “1-year” blogging journey (my works and unfinished ones) just to read back and reflect, or laugh at my own work. Here goes!
Let me introduce myself… again
Throughout my experience of on-off blogging since secondary school, I’ve written couple of self-introductions over and over again. Always claiming I’ll start a great journey but never finishing anything. One thing in common – they all sound cringe hahaha.
2016
I started a couple of blogs on WordPress.com, blogger and tumblr, but those never made it far. Within a few weeks, they went cold turkey. Yep, for every blog, I made some sort of introduction…
Fast forward to the end of the following year.
Dec 2017
I made the bold decision to have my very own website. Using a few hundred dollars from my allowance that I’ve saved, I bought a domain and sourced for a web host. With money involved, I thought I would become more responsible.
The first step: introduce myself.
So it went like this, ‘Hello World! I’m Rayson and please say hello to my website.’
Just kidding. I can’t even recall what I wrote because the post got deleted. Thankfully.
Snoozed until 4 months later…
April 2018
At the start of J1, I couldn’t bear leaving my blog idle whilst paying a monthly fee for it. So I had to break the ice… by introducing myself.
I had that philosophical eureka moment after O levels where I became so poetic. I remembered waiting to publish this post on Easter to symbolise the resurrection of my blog hahaha… I was honestly finding reasons to procrastinate.
Big 
dreams
I remembered publishing this long, detailed self-intro and then drafting it a year later when the blog became inactive. Just so it doesn’t look like I had abandoned the blog when I wanted to post something new.
On leadership…
June 2018
Back when I held an EXCO position in CCA during JC, I wanted to fulfill my role well. So for awhile I kept thinking what defines a great leader. After I drafted out the skeleton, I just lost interest, drag and drag and drag and the post never got published. I guess I didn’t see any point working on fluffy “Moral Lessons 101: How to be a Great Leader” that I’ll rarely apply.
But now, as a commander in SAF, I realise the relevance of the points I made. The notion of a leader in SAF is not all fun anymore compared to school days. It’s about being professional. I have to take charge of the training and well-being of my men. I have way more duties mostly on weekends. My responsibilities also have a higher stake. And my decisions come with greater implications. Embodying the traits mentioned is vital to lead people and perform well. I feel that’s what separates a great leader from a mediocre one.
Hello World!
June 2019
Wow more than a year has passed with no posts at all?! Why not start anew and introduce myself again? No one will notice 😉
At this point, I was exasperated how many times I had to write the same cliche thing over and over again. I told myself if I fail to keep the blog alive again, I’ll just shut it permanently and never look back. I kept my intro short and sweet, then to build accountability, I promoted it on Instagram. There was no going back.
This marks the official birth day of the blog 🙂
Migrant workers
July 2019
In line with the initial aim of the blog, the first social issue that I explored was the lives of migrant workers. At the point of writing, I was particularly interested in their livelihoods after chancing upon an article of a migrant worker detailing his experiences in Singapore. He published a book, Stranger to Myself, containing diary entries and poems about his struggles as a migrant worker. So I was curious and decided to probe further. If you’re interested to know more, do check out the post!
As of today, it is disheartening to know that the COVID-19 pandemic has made the situation of migrant workers worse: their livelihoods, well-being and mental health.
Zzzz…
Sept 2019
At one point in JC, I felt overworked. Exhausted. Burnt-out. I was juggling commitments from working out, VIA, blogging and studying for A levels. I noticed this was not just an issue for me but many other students. To cope with the increasing workload and commitments, many would neglect sleep, seeing it as unnecessary.
So I had this great idea to raise the importance of resting to everyone whilst hoping I would educate and change myself. I ended up making an irony out of myself – I dozed off whilst lecturing myself and dropped the argument entirely 😉 I actually think this had potential – there were statistics, clear organisation and detailed content. What a shame.
JC Shag life
Jan 2020
Woohoo the A-level cram was over. Before I moved onto NS, I felt I had to give a closure to the whole JC craze before kissing farewell to student life for a few years. I didn’t bag away straight As for my A levels (in fact mostly Bs and a D). But I don’t think the results matter as much as the friendships, self-awareness and soft skills I cultivated during the two years. These are things that will carry forward beyond JC and student life. In short, yes JC was intense but one can survive with the right attitude and right strategy. It’s the same for NS and life in general honestly.
BMT LOH!
This marks the first NS series and the beginning of my NS journey. There were nasty stuff but also good parts that made BMT a truly memorable experience. Haha I even wrote a short story on how I got scolded! Some points I made a year ago are still relevant in unit: the “efficiency”, the fatigue but primarily the awesome friends and memories!
The insights I shared still hit me today: true leadership is about leading through action and example, regardless of one’s rank or merits. Yes, in army, we are taught to respect the rank not the man. However, I believe when we respect the man, the rank doesn’t matter.
With so many things to learn and get used to in a highly regimented environment, BMT humbled me in the sense that I had more to learn and improve on. Initially, I thought my fitness would give me an advantage in NS, but turns out I’m the one asking for the most help. That’s when I really understood the importance of having a network of supportive friends.
Passing out from BMT, I now know that tough times make tough men and only through these times, I found true friends.
COVID-19 strikes
June 2020
From April last year, COVID-19 measures kicked in. Quite a big change. Wearing mask, social distancing, no gatherings with friends and no dining in. Only takeaways was allowed. From working to socialising, mostly everything went online from home. Even in camp, marching in platoon size or crossing functional groups were not allowed. The constant? No working from home for army boys; book-in as per usual. 🙁 For a few months, that destroyed the book-out mood and hangout plans.
After reading news and educating myself on the COVID-19 pandemic, I got inspired to share my findings and raise some awareness on the virus. Hence, I initially planned to post an informative article about COVID-19 by end May: its effects, the science and the future post COVID-19. However, I just couldn’t bring (force) myself to get it done after a shag week in camp. And even if I did, I struggled to write. So there we go – another draft into the stash of unfinished articles and soon into the trash bin. Haha it’s always the factual ones that never made it out.
Now, phase 3 has begun, everything seems almost back to normal. Well, I thought this post would be kind of irrelevant. No… I think I just pushed it off too much.
NS Shag life too
At one point during my cadet days, I was both jaded and fed up with the nitpicking regimentation, dreadful outfields and toxic culture in the army. I felt so pissed off that I just wanted to find some place to vent my frustrations.
Although the post is controversial and the language is way more vulgar, till today I honestly don’t disagree with some of the points I made and how exasperated I was. People are generally uninterested to put in quality work. Between higher-ups, there is a lack of coordination. Shit always go down the chain of command. These are things still evident in my unit.
Some days, I ponder about big existential questions on NS. Why bother trying so hard? It’s just inviting more sai kang. I think I could have a much better life if I had chosen to “siam” and “keng”.
And why choose to suffer so much? Even after becoming a commander, my work doesn’t seem valued. I sacrificed my sleep, personal time and well-being just to do my job properly. However, I get hated for it. The few mistakes I’ve made seem to define me more than the consistent work I’ve put in. What’s the point of me serving at all if at the end of the day I’m just a cheap forced “professional” labourer?
These are hard truths that roam around my brain every now and then. I hope to find answers and, if there is, a greater meaning to NS closer to ORD. Perhaps, I can understand better upon looking back and connecting the dots.
For now, I know it’s not worth the energy hating NS. That only makes life more miserable. I choose to adopt an optimistic view because I know things do get better only if we choose to let it be. The way forward is accepting my current situation, carrying out my duties diligently and finding ways to make it less terrible for myself. Ultimately, this is about being professional and setting emotions aside.
Aside from the serious remarks, I legit just keep dozing off nowadays whilst writing things down…
NS Milestone
One year later, one step closer to ORD! I start to recognise the benefits that NS can bring than only judge NS for the few bad days.
SCS, all the shit I mentioned about it? It is still the best phase in NS. Lots of welfare, minimal delays and things still got done. Best part? No responsibilities.
I also learnt a solid advice there from my encik OC: to take things out of context. As an NSF, I think the biggest challenge is to stay motivated throughout the entire two years. NS may feel like a lot of acting and doing unnecessary things for the sake of complying to instructions. But, looking at the bigger picture, NS can be a platform for personal growth than merely rotting in bunk. Pockets of time and opportunities are everywhere to be exploited, be it to socialise, workout or write.
Additionally, I feel NS exposes me to adulting and what working life will be like. Being a commander helped me assess my work ethics and understand my ability to manage people. Moreover, I’m now more aware of the kind of work preferences that matter to me: work-life balance, nature of work, work culture and “colleagues”. I feel my time serving the nation, good or bad, would shape the kind of career I want in the future.
Of course, enjoy the free time. It’s the time to relax and reflect before the academic grind kicks in again! After all the intense mugging, I think it’s all cool catching up on shows, playing games and investing more time in hobbies. I’ve accepted life can slow down for now…
I don’t think many will want to go through the same NS experience again. But still looking back there definitely will be lasting friendships and memories. I’ll end off still hating army but to a lesser degree, knowing that there are relationships to cherish, ample time to take a step back and life lessons to learn.
What’s next for 2021
I still remember, couple of months ago, one of my then NS bunkmates told me how I shouldn’t spend time on this blog because no one actually reads it. And that got me reflecting: Ye, he makes sense. What’s the point? This blog is effectively more than a year old already and I’ve written six completed posts so far. But has anybody responded to it, or is it just effort in vain? That I could better spend my time chilling or doing something more useful?
Many times I’ve convinced myself that I do this out of passion. I enjoy writing my thoughts down. It’s a source of catharsis… But then I think passion is a fickle uncertain feeling. It can come and go. Recently, I haven’t been feeling the spark I felt when I had just started. Now it seems I’m forcing myself rather than being motivated to write something. In other words, writing has been more like a chore than a joy lately. I’ve procrastinated on writing my posts, pushed back deadlines and even dropped a few ideas. Honestly, I haven’t been prioritising blogging over other commitments.
I’ll be frank: I partly blame NS for this burnout. A week’s work in camp is straight up shag, even doing nothing, rotting and waiting can be painful. I often feel so physically and mentally drained after every book-out that I really don’t feel like doing anything at all during the weekends.
Looking at all my posts, I realised I’ve taken a more personal than factual approach I had originally planned. Whining, ranting and swearing were never part of the plan… I sincerely hope no person or organisation takes offence or feels implicated for what I’ve put up so far. I’m after all expressing my honest opinion and the truth may well be ugly.
For 2021, I have other bigger plans. I’ll like to venture into areas mainly fitness, music and business. Perhaps I might also dabble into other side interests: programming, designing and languages. With the extra time now, I’ll also work on being more active and creative on Instagram, and possibly building a greater presence on other social media platforms too.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t include blogging.
But the blog isn’t going to die! It’s just going to take a nap… I have secondary plans to improve the aesthetics and functionality of this blog! Most importantly, I’ll like to rethink the content I’m putting out as well. I’ve been dragging on and on about NS; it’s time for a switch! I hope to post other interesting material everybody can relate to. When? I really don’t know. Maybe once I got the feels again later in the year 🙂 ?
All right, this marks the end of Season 1: Rayson’s Blogging Adventures. See you later!